Oficial Dialogue: Up and Down
A: Hey, let me ask you something.
B: What?
A: Can you tell me…? Let’s see.
B: What?
A: I need to think a moment.
B: Go on.
A: Can you tell me two things that are red and go up and down.
B: Red and go up and down?
A: Yes.
B: Red, as in … red?
A: Yes, as in red. You know, red.
B: Red. Go up and down?
A: That’s right.
B: Let’s see. A yo-yo?
A: Could be, I suppose, but I wasn’t thinking of that.
B: Why not?
A: Because a yo-yo doesn’t have to be red.
B: What then?
A: Well, one of them is a tomato in a lift.
B: A tomato?
A: Yes, tomatoes are red.
B: What’s a lift?
A: A lift. You know, those things they have in big buildings.
B: Things they have in big buildings?
A: Yes. Sliding doors. You get in, press a button, and go up or down.
B: Oh. You mean an elevator?
A: Lift. Elevator, what’s the difference?
B: In the US they’re called elevators.
A: Well, in Britain, they’re called lifts, so I call it a lift.
B: Please yourself.
A: Thank you.
B: What’s the other?
A: A newspaper in a hot air balloon.
B: Newspapers aren’t red. They’re black and white.
A: NO!! Read, R-E-A-D. They’re read because people read them.
B: Ohh!! I see, but who takes a newspaper up in a hot air balloon?
A: That’s not the point, silly. It’s a riddle. (Exit)
B: (To the audience) I never did understand riddles.
(225 words)
Oficial Dialogue: Friends
A: What are you reading?
B: Oh, nothing.
A: What do you mean, ‘nothing’?
B: Well, nothing of importance.
A: If it’s not important, why are you reading it?
B: Because it’s – well – personal.
A: That’s contradictory.
B: Why?
A: Well, how can something be ‘personal’ and ‘not important’?
B: Look, what belongs to me is personal, private, my own, for me, belonging to me.
A: Therefore, important.
B: To me, yes, but not to you. So keep out, go away, mind your own business.
A: I thought we were friends.
B: We are.
A: Well then?
B: Well then what?
A: Well then, shouldn’t we share things?
B: Up to a point, yes.
A: Oh, so we are friends ‘up to a point’?
B: No! We are friends, friends, full stop. That’s it. Friends.
A: But don’t friends share things?
B: Some things.
A: What things don’t they share?
B: Well, private things.
A: What sort of things?
B: I don’t know. Things they don’t want others to know.
A: Secrets, you mean?
B: All right, secrets.
A: Like what you’re reading?
B: Yes, like what I’m reading.
A: What is it?
B: I’ve told you, it’s personal!!
A: There’s no need to shout.
B: Well, I’ve already told you, it’s personal, private.
A: So you did. Sorry. I’d still like to know.
B: Why?
A: Well, I’m curious.
B: Oh, all right. If you must know, it’s a list of things I might get you for your birthday.
A: Oh, I wish you hadn’t told me!
(219 words)
Oficial Dialogue: Cats and Dogs
A: Do you know?
B: Do I know what?
A: Do you know why cats go miaow and dogs go woof?
B: Because cats are cats and dogs are dogs.
A: That´s not a reason.
B: Yes, it is. If dogs were cats, they’d mew.
A: And if cats were dogs?
B: They’d bark.
A: Why?
B: Because cats mew and dogs bark.
A: I can bark. Listen, “woof!”
B: So what?
A: Does that make me a dog?
B: No, of course not.
A: Why ‘of course not’?
B: Because you’re pretending. You don’t do it…
A: How?
B: Well, … naturally.
A: I bet you I could if I practised.
B: Don’t be ridiculous.
A: What’s ridiculous about it?
B: Well look at you. You don’t walk on four legs.
A: I can do, look. (Walks on four legs)
B: Don’t be silly, you don’t have a tail.
A: Ah. Good point, but I’m sure there are dogs which don’t have tails.
B: Only if they’ve been cut off.
A: O.K., then I could be a dog with its tail cut off.
B: But why do you want to be a dog in the first place?
A: Because I don’t fancy being a cat.
B: Look, you aren’t either a dog or a cat, for heaven’s sake. You’re a person.
A: Oh, that’s boring.
B: Boring?! Why’s it boring.
A: Well, if you’re a dog, you get to bite people, and cats climb trees.
B: Some people do both.
A: O.K. I’ll just … be a person.
(219 words)